Ever heard this before?
"Now listen...NOBODY and I mean NOBODY likes drama, including me".
Sound familiar? I sometimes feel like the only folks that ever say that are the folks who are in fact DRAMATIC. At least, that's how I felt after an argument with Trenelle, and despite being a confrontational person, I was far from joyous about releasing an episode that showcased what I believe to be one of my biggest flaws.
Don't judge me, but I listen to most of our episodes several times before, during, and after they are released. However, each time I listened to this one, I found myself facing the insecurities and pressures we talked about in episode 1.
"OMG, I said "porn". OMG "that one friend who told me I suck at relationships is probably listening and feeling justified in her accusations".
"Because she'll hear that years later I still struggle with boundaries".
"OMG, all these damn voices in my head telling me I'm crazy! OMG...OMG...OMG!!"
Can you relate? Because if so, maybe you also avoid vulnerability because owning up to your thoughts, actions, or ideas, means you have to face the self-deprecation that ensues. And if you're REALLY like me, once you put your shortcomings out there, you desperately want 48hours of uninterrupted time to go into hibernation and isolation until you can emerge "normal" and "non-hazardous" to the people in your life that you love.
In this episode, did I feel bad about how I responded? Mmm, yes and no, but this argument did bring up some past wounds that forced me into some DEEP introspection. I am not perfect and change takes time. However, although I said midway through the talk that I wasn't crying, I lied, those were real tears welling up in my eyes. In that moment as we were rehashing everything that happened, I was overtaken by feelings of failure. I felt I somehow failed to be a better friend and human being, AGAIN. Why? Because the voices of scars and wounds sometimes shame, and some scars take time to heal. During this episode, it was like every word in that letter from an ex-friend came back to haunt me. "Eunice you are too much, not enough, you are asking for too much, and to know you also means you will bring people to a place of madness that ultimately never ends well". Don't get me wrong, Trenelle was not at all saying any of these things but it's crazy how a wound can emerge and contort one's vision of reality and complicate one's ability to hear. I was definitely having a hard time hearing.
That's the thing about wounds, you think they've healed until something reopens them, but that's the beauty of healthy communication, it allows you the space in all your shortcomings to express, feel safe, and liberated in the process of discovering yourself and going deeper. Does writing all of this make me somehow magically fall in love with this episode? Heck no! However, it was necessary and hopefully, as you listen, you see the importance of honesty and vulnerability that exists when you're simply willing to talk ish out or be honest. Lucky for us, we are learning communication, because without it, there would be no WR and we just aren't ready for that.